I lost my baby.
Perhaps I was a little overexcited to share. I told pretty much everyone. I even wrote a post about it. I figured if it happened I’d deal. And here I am…dealing.
I had a dream the night before I went to he hospital. It was one of those vivid dreams that are very clear. In the dream, I was in my mother’s room and on the phone to my doctor. In the dream the doctor told me that the hormones were low and the baby wasn’t growing properly.
The next day, I began to bleed with lower back pain. I went to the hospital to confirm what I already knew in my heart…my baby was gone.
After my miscarriage, I took a week off work. At first I was hesitant to do so, but I was happy I did in the end cause it allowed me to feel the loss: the anger, the guilt and the all encompassing sadness that I think most women feel when they experience a miscarriage.
During that time, I barely ate. When severely heart broken, I don’t eat, even when I’m hungry.
Once I started to eat normally however, my weight skyrocketed to an all time high.
Who knows why, but obviously my body and hormones were outta whack. I felt bloated, frustrated, unattractive and seriously grumpy. It was just such an unpleasant feeling. I hadn’t felt like myself for months and it was getting worse!
So, I had a choice to make….and both involved food.
Do I continue to feel this way, but NUMB my discomfort by overeating yummy, uber fatty, calorie dense food and drink?
Do I HEAL myself (inside and out) with food that is satisfying, delicious and packed full of nutrients?
Even though there’s a lot more work involved, I’ve chosen to heal.
By eliminating foods that cause me indigestion, proper portion control along and 30 min of exercise a day, Ive been able to lose almost 8 pounds in 7 days. That’s how bloated I was! No wonder I was so uncomfortable!
Has it been an easy week?
My fatigue continued and my cravings were strong. My sadness comes and goes.
During the Valentines day party in my class, I totally wanted to indulge in the donoughts and chips and cheesies that my students brought in for the party.
At the Justin Timberlake concert I can’t even tell you how badly I wanted cheesy garlic bread and poutine with large amounts of wine. But I stuck to my plan and enjoyed both the party and the concert without having to stuff my face. Which showed me it is possible to have fun without food.
To help with the cravings, I just tried to see the food I wanted from another perspective. I started to see the food I was craving as not helpful. The food at the party and the concert is not going to help me stop feeling the way I do. What is going to help me is food from this earth, created by the earth.
I don’t mean to sound so tree-huggerish, but it’s true!
Look at the difference 1 week can make. I still can’t believe it. And more importantly I can FEEL it the difference. Lighter and stronger. Cause after all, it’s a feeling we’re all ultimately chasing, not a number.
I made a commitment to myself, to heal and feel like myself again. And I think I’m well on my way!!